As as a special needs parent, wife, and college instructor, I realized that I was running on empty when it came to female friendships. Just a few years ago, it dawned on me that all I was doing was making the same journeys on well-worn roads…Get up, get R off to school, go to work, come home, possibly therapy, eat dinner, bedtime REPEAT! The weekends were filled with the responsible acts – adulating is what the kids call it – laundry, cleaning, and weekly shopping. It is the cul-de-sac of living, and I wanted out.
Furthermore, I was craving a coupla buddies. And I knew that Rachel could benefit from some closer friendships too. In a recent article about relationships, the author argued “Being concerned about the well-being of others is a trait that can be fostered early, and is also an important factor for a strong friendship.” I wondered if I could find a mother/daughter buddy system outside of my cul-de-sac way of life.
At the start of fourth grade, I signed Rachel up for Girl Scouts. This is where we encountered Evelyn, a brown haired, brown-eyed girl with boundless energy and a beaming smile, especially around Rachel. Her mom, Emily, corrals her strong, energetic Tigger-happy child with grounded love. When I take Rachel to the meetings, I stay because of her special needs status. Lucky for both of us, these two exceptional people have become extended family in just less than two years.
Even with the age difference between Emily (early thirties) and me (late forties), we still have plenty in common: motherhood, our men share the same name and affinity for video games, our educational level, and our desire to help people, no matter who or what their station in life. Emily has a Masters Degree in Sociology, and her professional life has given her access to people with various abilities.
On many occasions, Evelyn has come along with her mother, offering help with the differently abled. Ev’s comfort level around Rachel is part experience and part love.
When I asked her if she wanted to come to therapies with us this summer, she lit up with a smile.
Our adventures began a few days ago. About an hour before I was scheduled to come, the Helper Elf Ev and I exchanged the following texts:
Ev: Were you guys planning on leaving in the next half hour? Sorry I’m just so excited.
Me: Be there around 1! I have to do some potty/diaper stuff with R now…
Ev: OK.
Later, as we are about to leave…
Me: We are in the car, about to drive over!
Ev: Ok. I’m waiting on one of our front steps.
Once she is settled in the car, I explain that we are only going to and from therapy and not able to hang out after. But I also say that we will do fun stuff later in the summer. She is on board and okay with this. I settle into driving, while the girls in the back interact. Another thing I’m grateful for is that Evelyn treats Rachel like any other kid. She talks to her without a trace of baby talk. I even wonder if there’s a secret language emerging between the two.
We arrive at Gillette, located in Minnetonka. Thanks to Ev, I’m on my game, arriving early. The girls head to a video game system attached to the wall while I relax in a chair nearby. Thanks to Ev, I’m more relaxed with her help as she entertains Rachel.
The PT person, Kristine, retrieves us all from the lobby and leads us back to the gym. She has worked with Rachel before, intermittently. She is able to see the leaps of improvement since she’s not a regularly scheduled therapist. Kristine is a tall, thin, strong, and caring person who works with each family with the right balance of professionalism and tenderness. She gives me a knowing smile as she eyes Rachel’s friend. Helper Elf Ev is ready, and Rachel smiles at the buddy system at play.
We wheel Rachel into the gym, and our station is a mat that raises and lowers at the push of a button. A mirror fills out the space, allowing patients to see themselves hard at work.
The first PT task was to get on the mat and do bridges. This requires laying on one’s back, planting the feet flat on the mat, and raising the rear up high. Kristine gets Rachel to work hard(er) on the transfer. I grab a stool on wheels, (my favorite), and punch up my camera on my phone to observe the Buddy System in full action.
“So Kristine, if Ev wants to get on the mat, should she take her flip flops off?” I ask.
“Not a big deal, but she wa-…”
By this time, she’s already flicked them off and climbed onto the mat, chatting up Rachel as she comes in closer. “Can I help you out Rachel? Is that okay with you?” The mirror reveals Rachel’s high, apple-cheeked smile.
Next up is tall kneeling, and it is work for Rachel to do. Kristine pulls out a big therapy ball in the shape of a peanut. Kristine gets Rachel on her knees, props her elbows onto the peanut, and forces Rachel to work on her core while Helper Elf Ev is to her right, cheering and listening to Kristine explain that they are playing Tic-Tac-Toe while Rachel balances on the peanut. Rachel is smiling, working, and engaging with Helper Elf Ev.
After two games of Tick-Tac-Toe, it’s time to get Rachel into the harness, hook her up to the ceiling lift, and play a beanbag toss game. This requires Rachel to stand and bear her weight. Ev’s job is to hand Rachel the beanies. Before she does the game, Kristine asks Rachel to stand super tall, straightening her legs. Ev does it too.
At one point, Kristine makes that sound I love to hear: she voices her happiness at something Rachel does that’s good, REALLY good. I’ve heard the difference in all the therapists’ tone: some days, your kiddo offers meager effort, and the professional and parent knows it. But other days, Rachel achieves something magical happens, and Kristine’s voice is like a needle from a hot mic, ticking high with hope.
The therapist is also on a stool with wheels, behind Rachel. She is gripping her knees, waiting for her muscles to fire when she stands tall, super tall. One of efforts on R’s part inspires the therapist to offer another one of those hot mic needle toppers of praise.
After enough standing, Kristine kicks off the next section of therapy; Rachel must walk to the basket for the beanies to play the toss game, which I have moved about 20 feet away. Just two days prior, my mother and I watched her faintly try to walk from one end of the gym to the next. Today, I wondered if Rachel would perform differently? Would Helper Elf Ev inspire stronger steps? Does the beanbag game give her extra motivation? Would our pep talk of “hard work” after a weak performance get her moving? Would her time in the stander here at home, do the trick, now that I’ve mastered how to get her in it?
Ev is at Rachel’s right side, holding her hand. She is acutely aware of that hand’s deficiencies. Ev asks if “Miss Rightie” can do this or that, or, in this case, she just simply holds that hand. She shows me that she doesn’t get weirded out by Rachel’s right hand and its deficiencies. This sort of thing illustrates the strong empathetic sense that Ev has, thanks to her mother’s choices to expose her to people who are different rather than shield her from the “other.”
And so, I’m on my stool, cell phone in hand, filming two friends taking a walk in a gym. Rachel’s steps are stronger, braver, and fuller than they were two days ago. Kristine walks on Rachel’s left, instructing her to take big steps, urging her forward.
The support this buddy system provides lightens my load as Rachel’s mother and caregiver.
The PT session draws to a close. Rachel is happy to be back in her wheelchair, and even Helping Elf Ev is looking a little weary from her work. We have an OT session in a half hour, so we wait in the lobby. Once again, the video gaming system on the wall entertains while I relax.
Wendy, our trusty OT person, waltzes out to greet us. Evelyn introduces herself while Rachel points to her and says, “Evelyn…my friend.” The goals for the day are to get Rachel to re-learn how to brush her teeth and brush her hair. Wendy is as delighted to meet Ev, and all throughout the session, she glances over to me and communicates her joy at the budding friendship. Ev continues coaching Rachel and offers her advice and cheerleading every step of the way. At one point, we were talking about the difference between the right and left hand. Evelyn explains with great patience and concentration how the left hand is the one you can make an “L.”
At this point, Wendy comments to me on how Ev is quite the “adult” in this situation.
The girls get their own toothbrushes and set to work on the task at hand. One thing I hope is that Rachel can work on not only mastering the back and forth motion of the brushing, but also the job of rinse-and-spitting. This has proven to be hard for her. But in this session, Rachel takes the little cup of water, swishes and spits like a pro, with Evelyn matching her with gusto. Their laughter erupts when splashes of spit wind up on the table or on themselves.
Then onto brushing hair: this time, Ev simply helps count strokes of the brush with Wendy. We spin her around to let Rachel watch herself on the big wall mirror. Just like in walking, the mirror amplifies her success by letting her SEE herself doing it.
The OT session wraps up as Wendy types Rachel’s progress and goals into her laptop. Evelyn politely thanks her for letting her help out. We wheel out of her office and head back to the van. As I drive home, I glance back to the girls, sharing snacks, smiles, and silly faces. I’m reminded of that article once again, as it states that friends have terrific benefits, such as allowing us to live longer: “Experts believe that having strong and stable friendships can help us to manage stress, which can have a dramatically impact on our physical health.” Does this mean that Ev is helping Rachel heal and deal with the stress of working so hard?
Perhaps.
On the way home, Evelyn asks, “So Melissa, can I come on Tuesday to therapy with you guys?” I glanced in the rear view mirror to spot-check her expression. It is full of genuine love and excitement with arched eyebrows and a curious smile.
This, my friends, is the Buddy System, in sweet cruise control as we travel down the road to recovery.